you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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