i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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