I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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