Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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