y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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