so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
