No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
