Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize