im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
