he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
