Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
