I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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