Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
