I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
