the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
