Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
