im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
