Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
