just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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