I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
