So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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