So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
