Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
