glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
