Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Randomize
