My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
