I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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