All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You ate ashes out of my bong
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
