who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
