I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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