i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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