He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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