I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
