Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
