So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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