my phone needs a breathalizer
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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