She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
