i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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