david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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