i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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