coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
