I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
