I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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