If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
