Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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