fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
