My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
