On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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