I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
