im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I checked into jail on foursquare
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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