i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
