WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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