I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
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I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
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Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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