dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
