Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
