I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
