i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
